Specialist therapy for Retroactive Jealousy OCD & Relationship OCD.
Contact me: robblayneytherapy@gmail.com
What are Retroactive Jealousy OCD and Relationship OCD?
Do I have them?
Put simply, Retroactive Jealousy refers to the experience of persistent distress caused by intrusive thoughts and emotions associated with partners' previous romantic/sexual relationships.
While the experience of negative emotions about our partners previous intimate relationships may be an experience that many share, RJ differs in it's disproportionate emotional impact upon sufferers - as well as being at odds with their own personal values. While sufferers of RJ know this experience is irrational, the obsessive nature of intrusive thoughts and the compulsive need for reassurance or 'certainty' about the past is often utterly debilitating. While efforts to neutralise these feelings provide temporary relief, this is normally short-lived, and sufferers soon become preoccupied once again. Both sufferers and partners can find themselves trapped in a confusing and painful cycle that neither of them chose. Due to obsessive/compulsive characteristics and the huge impact on the lives of sufferers, RJ is becoming known as a sub-type of OCD.
Relationship OCD follows a similar pattern, although thoughts tend to involve sufferers questioning their love, attraction, or connection to their partner. This mainly involves compulsively comparing, questioning or testing these areas.
Both RJOCD & ROCD affect men and women. I treat men, women, as well as partners of sufferers. You may not be sure if you are experiencing OCD. However, it is unlikely that you have found this page unless you or someone you love is struggling with the past, or obsessively questioning their relationship. Therapy is suitable for anyone who finds themselves preoccupied with intrusive thoughts and strong emotional/physical responses regarding these subjects. In some ways the OCD label is irrelevant, and the solution the same.
Types of Thoughts You May Be Struggling With...
RJOCD:
Common type of intrusive thought (Obsessions)…
‘Hypotheticals’ – ‘’I wonder if they ever did … together?’’, “I wonder how many people …”, “I wonder what ‘so-and-so’ looked like.”, “I wonder if they were more … than me?
The ‘deal breaker’ – “I can’t deal with these aspects of their past – therefore maybe they’re not right for me?”
‘Mental Movies’ – Intrusive images of your partner in previous intimate relationships.
Judgements/anger/disgust/ feelings of betrayal – “How could they have done this with him/her?”
Common ways of seeking reassurance (Compulsions)…
Asking partners for reassurance.
Asking partners for details about the past to get ‘certainty’. (“I just need to know this… then I’ll feel OK”).
‘Screening’ for clues about their romantic/sexual history in things they say.
Playing through the mental movies, or ‘thinking through’ partners’ history until it ‘feels right’ to reassure oneself.
Searching for information on social media – invasive searching of photos.
Avoiding people, places or things that might trigger intrusive thoughts and anxiety.
ROCD:
Common obsessions…
Maybe I’m not attracted to my partner. Maybe they’re not intelligent enough, funny enough, attractive enough, successful enough, moral enough.
I’m not sure I love them enough.
Do I find other people more attractive?
Something doesn’t feel ‘right’ about our relationship.
They may leave me.
Again, these are normal thoughts for anyone to have, but many will be able to find the answer or dismiss the question. For sufferers of ROCD these thoughts will dominate their mind and provoke strong physical feelings/emotions.
Common compulsions (mostly internal)
Comparing one’s partner to others to check whether they ‘right’.
Repeatedly checking how connected one feels to their partner.
Thinking through doubts to reassure oneself they are not real.
Evaluating one’s partner’s intelligence, morals, humour, physical attractiveness.
Asking one’s partner for reassurance/ testing whether they are likely to leave.
You might identify with some of these questions...
How do I stop obsessing over my partners ex?
How do I stop my jealousy?
Why am I so jealous of his/her past?
What is extreme jealousy a sign of?
How do I fix retroactive jealousy?
Why do I get jealous of my boyfriend/girlfriend's past?
Is retroactive jealousy normal?
Will retroactive jealousy go away?
Why do I have retroactive jealousy?
What is retroactive jealousy OCD?
Where can I find help for my jealousy?
How do I get rid of these thoughts?